


Book of Tears : Revisited

by jade_lil



Series: Book of Tears [3]
Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Arashi fanfiction, Drama, Friendship, Heavy Angst, M/M, Ohmiya - Freeform, Ohmiya are idiots, Post-Break Up, The rest of Arashi are idiots too, Verse : Book of Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 09:25:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 21,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15660378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jade_lil/pseuds/jade_lil
Summary: One year after the break-up, Ohno found something of Nino's that would make him want to revisit the past.





	1. First Night

**Author's Note:**

> Series of One Shot stories, compilation of those 'unwritten and deleted' pieces that didn't make it in the main story itself.

The minute they stumbled through the door, his Leader’s mouth was instantly on him.

The action was surprising but it wasn’t an unwelcomed one, not really, because even despite the fact that Leader’s kisses just managed to rob him off of any sensible thoughts aside from the fact that his Leader’s mouth was on him and he was kissing him, he liked it too much to ask Ohno to stop, but.

“W-Wait, O-Oh-chan, __umf__ –“ he complained, or at least that’s what he was planning to because certainly, they weren’t going to just jump straight into bed without talking about this, were they?  But Ohno didn’t seem particularly bothered with the fact that yes, they ought to talk about some very important things first and not kissing each other like they couldn’t be bother to think about the consequences of all these, pushing his Leader by his chest with one hand while the other he was absently using to pull Ohno closer. It was probably because Ohno was pushing him right back, pinning him to the wall and keeping him there as Ohno kissed him.

He was sure he was thinking of putting at least a few centimeters distance between them a few seconds ago, but then Ohno started sucking on his tongue, earnestly too, and he kind of just forgot what he wanted to do in the first place. On the one hand, he planned on bringing up the issue up front, to talk about __this__  – __them__  – to at least settle those things (however little they are) that he knew would be important to tackle now just so they wouldn’t have to be troubled by them someday, while on the other, he was immensely enjoying this to even bother stopping the older man.

It was really fucking confusing.

Ohno pulled back just far enough to suck lightly on his jaw and his previous desire to talk just sort of made its run towards the nearest window and threw itself right over.

So much for that.

“O-Oh-chan –“ he gasped, breathe catching in his throat when he felt Ohno’s warm fingers beneath the hem of his shirt, his touches sure but reverent as they skimmed the bare skin of his thighs. Ohno’s mouth was hot, hotter than he remembered it to be, as Ohno went back up to kiss the air straight from his mouth.

When one of Ohno’s hands went up to cradle the curve of his neck, tilting his head to the side so he could deepen the kiss, he outright moaned, felt the slick slide of Ohno’s tongue nudging his before Ohno was back to sucking his tongue like a man starving for food.

There was something so intense in the way Ohno was kissing him, like with the way he had his hands on either side of his face to keep him in place while they kissed Ohno was familiarizing himself to each and every taste of him; Ohno’s tongue felt like it was everywhere at once and the arousing effect of Ohno’s kisses was making his head spin.

Ohno pulled back then, let one of his hands slide to the back of his head then leaned in to rest his forehead against his, mouth red and parted slightly, his breathe coming out in ragged pants. Ohno’s hand was still resting against the nape of his neck, warm and familiar, when he spied the wild look on Ohno’s face when he shifted and leaned up to kiss Ohno’s chin.

“Okay?” he murmured, unsure, because he realized then Ohno wasn’t moving, wasn’t saying anything, was just staring at him as if he wasn’t sure what to do either and his heart was doing that stupid ‘ _ _Did I just fuck this up__?’ dance before he could even stop it.

Ohno’s fingers moved to trace his cheek, and the next time he blinked he realized Ohno’s gaze was on him again, this time it was focused and hungry, and his belly clenched at the almost predatory way Ohno regarded him, though his touches remained gentle, tender.

“You have __no__  idea,” Ohno murmured and then somehow he was being kissed again, wild and hungry, and whatever doubts he had before this had been completely wiped out by Ohno’s kisses. He realized he was arching into Ohno’s body, hands tight against Ohno’s shoulders as Ohno kept kissing him as if he’d wanted this for so long and had been denied of it for far longer, too.

Ohno’s hand moved down and behind him, squeezing his butt through his pants, and everything sort of just spiraled out his control from there on.

“Oh __god__ ,” he moaned, husky and broken, his face colliding against the space between Ohno’s shoulder and neck and biting the soft skin he found there if only to stop himself from crying out loud.

“Kazu –“ Ohno moaned back, and there was question in his voice that wasn’t there before, making Nino’s stomach roiled in anticipation.

“Bed,” he found himself half-sobbing, half-moaning into Ohno’s skin, and Ohno’s hands finding their way around his waist, and down beneath him for leverage as Ohno lifted him up. “Let’s, __ah__  –“

Ohno dipped his head and kissed him again, and whatever shit he was planning on saying just sort of lost its charm as he wrapped his legs around Ohno’s middle and held on.

 

+++

 

“ _ _Okay__?” it was Ohno’s turn to ask, though it would have been pretty funny if not for the fact that he was literally writhing beneath Ohno’s body, and his ass felt like it was being torn in half. But with the pain came the unbelievable sensation, the feel of Ohno’s throbbing cock pulsing inside him was like everything he had ever dreamed of and more.

There’s sweat everywhere – on his arms and legs, and some he could feel at the start of his hair; Ohno was no different, his tanned skin glistening under the dim light of his bedroom, sweat gathering at the corners of his temple before it rolled down to the side of his face at every downward stroke. It felt like they were sticking together though he didn’t pay any mind to it, he couldn’t, not really, when Ohno was hovering over him, his face was masked with nothing but with that one-minded concentration as he rolled his hips into him in slow, careful thrusts.

It already felt too much, and yet he was sure it still wasn’t enough; Ohno’s cock wasn’t even halfway through but he already felt full, the burn of having Ohno’s dick throbbing inside him was doing things to him he couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

He wanted to laugh, he wanted to cry, and he was caught in between this strange limbo of emotions and sensations, his chest full to bursting as he watched Ohno’s face contort in pleasure when he pushed the last tiny inch and realized he was buried to the hilt and shaking.

“Oh, __fuck,”__  Ohno cursed, eyes shutting closed and Ohno’s hold against his legs faltered; there was something in the way Ohno held himself up on one hand, staring him down before he was bending over to kiss him, getting his chin instead because Ohno turned out to be horribly coordinated when Ohno was inside him and he was clenching his inner muscles around Ohno’s cock absently. “Kazu, don’t – __ah, shit__  –“

He licked his suddenly dry bottom lip wet and arched his back, fingers finding Ohno’s hips and rolling his upwards in silent invitation.

“Yes,” he murmured, dazed, finding his inhibitions melting along with his doubts, his eyes were lidded heavily as another string of filthy curses made their way out of Ohno’s mouth. “Come on, __come on__ ,” he moaned, gasping, because then Ohno was hitching one of his legs up on Ohno’s shoulder and pulling himself out quickly before shoving himself back in just as fast.

“Oh, shit –“ he cursed, and so did Ohno because the burst of sensation was too much, the heat that spreading around his thighs almost unbearable. This was their first time but it didn’t seem like Ohno needed a lot of time to be perfectly familiar to everything his body wanted, found himself arching and gasping and moaning to each and every thrust of Ohno’s hips into him.

“Kazu, __Kazu__  –“ Ohno was moaning back, fingers tight against the skin of his thighs, his hips acting as Ohno’s leverage as Ohno fucked him nice and slow. Ohno was all over him, around him and inside him all at once, and the feeling was so overwhelming he wasn’t aware he was coming until Ohno let out an almost wounded-sounding growl and froze, and the tell-tale feel of Ohno’s orgasm tearing through the surface as he felt Ohno spurting his pleasure into the condom inside his ass.

 

+++

 

He’s careful not to wake Ohno when he slid out of the man’s embrace and off the bed, moved to locate his pants where he was sure he had his phone on the back pockets of it before he rounded the way to the other side of the bed to turn his bedside table lamp on.

Light flooded the whole room at the same time something close to intense fondness, love and affection and so many other things he still couldn’t put a name on flooded his being at the sight of Ohno’s naked form, his bed sheet barely covering the perfect curve of Ohno’s ass, asleep and looking so very relaxed and at ease on his own bed.

He held his phone up and aimed it at Ohno, forcing his hand not to shake as he tapped the screen and captured a few shots before he put his phone down. Then, just as quietly, he moved to the bedside table and bent over to carefully open the last drawer, drawing his newly-bought journal out and the pen next to it before he slumped on the floor near it, wincing a little bit at the soreness of his lower back, before leaning comfortably against the bed’s frame.

Looking up, he threw the man sleeping on his bed one more glance and smiled, before he started writing.

 

 

November 25, 2010

11:10pm

 

FIRST NIGHT TOGETHER

 

_If I thought I love you so much before last night, that changed completely the next time I opened my eyes and realized that what happened the night before was real. I don’t even – I’m not sure how to say it without sounding like a complete and utterly disgusting girl, but, god, you – I think I’m more in love with you now than I ever thought I loved you before._

_It’s crazy but it’s – god, it’s so weird because I was pretty sure I was already disgustingly in love with you before but – god, this is hopeless._

_I wonder how you do that, though I’m not sure if I will ever get it even if you tell me; how you could make my heart swoop with just the tiniest of smiles, how you could make my hands shake with a little brush of your fingers to any part of me you accidentally touched._

_And last night – I don’t think I’d ever get to put the memory of that past me, and I don’t think I even want to. I’ve never been with someone who only needs to breathe my name against my skin for everything to start all over again._

_Only you, Satoshi. Only you._

_Maybe this is what they meant when they told us to be careful when we fall in love, because I have a feeling there will be no turning back from here on. I thought the kisses were the most beautiful thing you could ever give me, but last night – last night was incomparable._

_When you were above me, inside me, all over me, nothing mattered except the fact that you’re there and you’re all around me. I might have said something to this regard, I’m not sure, I couldn’t remember anymore because my mind was filled with nothing but the feel of you, your scent, everything about you that I could file away, safely hide and just let out when it‘s just me and you’re out of reach, out of sight and you couldn’t be there even if I wanted you to._

_It’s scary, but I wouldn’t trade this with anything in the world. I might not even be able to say how much you mean to me now but I wish I could show you so you wouldn’t have to think of leaving me, but that’s just wishful thinking._

_You might not love me as much as I love you now but I guess for now, it’s enough that you’re here – that you’re trying to give me at least half of what you know you can only give, and that’s alright with me._

_Maybe it’s not enough, maybe it is, but I couldn’t be sure when all I wanted was to look at you and savor this moment for as long as I could. I wanted to touch you but I was afraid the magic would break and then I’d realize this was all but a dream – a beautiful one but a dream nonetheless._

“Nino?” he felt more than heard Ohno’s voice, sleepy and husky,  and he quickly pulled himself up on his knees, taking his phone from where he stashed it next to his feet minutes before and subtly kicking the journal under the bed without taking his gaze off of Ohno. Ohno had his chin propped up on one hand, squinting blearily at him, then, tenderly as if he was something fragile and precious, Ohno reached out and stroked his cheek with his thumb.

“What are you doing?” Ohno asked afterwards, his voice husky and sleep-mussed and his chest tightened at the sight of his Leader’s smiling face as he leaned back to the touch; even so, he was struck with the way the corners of Ohno’s mouth curled just the tiniest bit as he leaned forward, as he braced himself on the bed by his elbows with all the intention of checking Ohno’s face closer while Ohno brushed soft touches across his cheek.

“Nothing,” he said, but knew that he was smiling, too. Ohno lets his head hit the pillow, still sleepy, showing just the side of his face and the angle, he thought, was so perfect he couldn’t just stand there and do nothing.

He smiled back and reached over to finger that side of Ohno’s cheek that wasn’t hidden by the pillow, then swung his phone out and aimed it at Ohno’s face.

Ohno grumbled something sleepily on the pillow and he kept his fingers under Ohno’s chin, cupping it firmly in place.

“Quit moving,” he said, though he’s mostly laughing at Ohno’s lame attempt at dodging being photographed. “Hey, I said quit moving,” he grinned, and ended up taking two more shots before he threw his phone on top of the bedside table to join Ohno back in the bed.

Ohno welcomed him in his arms, his body warm and soft, and Ohno’s mouth he had pressed against his temple. “Don’t let anyone know you’re taking naked photos of me, it’ll be bad for my career,” Ohno mumbled, sounding anything but amused as he wriggled underneath the covers and threw one leg in between Ohno’s own. It was warm, comfortable and all sorts of amazing as Ohno wrapped him in his arms.

“Don’t worry, it’s only for my own dubious amusement,” he said, pressing his lips against the bare skin of Ohno’s chest, “and besides, it’s not like I’m going to sell them to the magazines. I’m not that stupid, Oh-chan,”

“No,” Ohno agreed with a hum, gathering him in, arms going tight around him. “I’m worried about something else, actually,”

He frowned as he raised his head and regarded Ohno with a confused little stare.

“And that is?”

“I was afraid __you__  –“ Ohno paused here, heaved a deep breath and kissed the side of his forehead tenderly, then, like an afterthought. “I thought I freaked you out and you -- __left,”__  

He thumbed at the skin beneath Ohno’s collarbones, now marred with red patches he knew he was responsible for, and kissed the same spot softly.

“Why would you think that?” he asked, though he mostly knew what Ohno meant. This thing between them wasn’t going to be easy and they both knew it, which was why it took them more than a decade of dancing around each other before they eventually grew tired of tiptoeing around it and just decided to go for it.

“I thought that you, you know, changed your mind or something,”

He huffed an entirely disbelieving snort against Ohno’s chest before jabbing a finger against the same spot. “You just took the words out of my mouth, Oh-chan,” he said, feeling the uncertainty as it came back in gradual degrees. “I was afraid it’d be you who –“

“Don’t sweat it,” Ohno quickly retorted, hooking a thumb under his chin and lifting his face up for a kiss. “After last night? You’ve got to be kidding me,” Ohno said, mumbled the last bit in a way that had him blushing like a school girl within seconds before Ohno kissed him quiet again.

 

+++

 

It was for another couple of hours when he again slipped out of bed because sleep just wouldn’t come; he very carefully and quietly took the journal from under the bed where he had it shoved before, threw Ohno a glance and wondered, not for the first time how lucky he was for having Ohno on his bed as if he always belonged there.

He sighed and grabbed the pen, absently biting his lower lip as his fingers continued writing as if he hadn’t been interrupted at all.

_But you opened your eyes and smiled at me, reached over and touched my face and right then and there, I knew I was in too deep and that there was no other way out. You had me the first time you smiled and held your hand out, and you had me again this morning when you called my name, tugged my head down for a kiss._

_You had me for life, Oh-chan, and there was no backing out, no way to reverse this anymore._

_You own me. All of me. And it’s pretty certain this was just the beginning._

__

He smiled when he’s done, let his fingers traced the words and realized how easy it was to write his thoughts instead of saying them. Maybe that was why he was better at writing songs, he thought, closing the journal and carefully putting it back to where he had it hidden, before he quietly crawled back into bed and curled himself around Ohno.

This time, he was barely aware of Ohno tugging him in when sleep consumed him.

 

 


	2. Kiss of Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But as it was, some things really weren’t meant to be, and sadly, his desire to drown the sorrows away, preferably alone, clearly was one of those.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was what happened in Volume 2 - Pretenses, when they celebrated Nino's birthday.

He wasn’t entirely sure what was that Aiba fed him that made him agreed to _this_.

Sure it was his birthday, and he could very well understand his bandmates’ desire to celebrate it with him but.

But the thing was, he was not in the mood for any of this. Celebration was for people who are happy with their lives (though he couldn’t just step forward and say he was nothing but miserable, because there are at least certain parts of his life that are damn freaking awesome), but sadly, today really just wasn’t a good time.

But maybe, just maybe, just this once he could pretend. Maybe just this once, he could let himself be happy because his friends wouldn’t exactly plan this stupid, stupid dinner party if only to upset him more. And it wasn’t as though they didn’t have a clue about the current status of his relationship (or lack thereof) with Leader because, at least on his part, he wasn’t exactly secretive about it. Forget the fact that his bandmates are such mingling bastards, the way he and Leader regarded each other from a few months back would have been enough for their friends to get the hint of what had been going on between them.

He just – well, he didn’t expect his bandmates to go through all that trouble for this because seriously, the last thing he needed was to be reminded of the very thing he’d been trying hard to avoid for the last couple of months now. It was hard enough when they were hanging out in the greenroom and he couldn’t so much as glance at Ohno’s direction in fear of letting the others see how pathetically miserable he had been since the break up, or worst, letting Ohno see how badly he was faring since the night he told Ohno they were over.

But as it was, some things really weren’t meant to be, and sadly, his desire to drown the sorrows away, preferably alone, clearly was one of those.

“Let’s drink, let’s drink!” Aiba slurred, raising his half-empty glass and spilling rest of the contents onto himself before he even managed to drink it; Jun and Sho were at each opposite sides of the table,  silent, and obviously assessing the situation as quiet as they possibly could.

“Aiba-chan, you might want to stop drinking already,” he told his oldest friend, slouching onto himself and trying hard not to glance to his right where Leader was quietly (like always) drinking.

Aiba grinned, and then stood up before any of them could say anything, grabbing something from the nearby table where they had piled their bags before they sat down to eat.

“Surprise!” Aiba squealed as he came back with something in his hand, shoving the very thing into Nino’s face. He felt his insides contract at the familiar sight of it, the very same thing he had secretly brought with him to work and had placed on top of their Leader’s scriptbook before he left for his scheduled photoshoot.

“W-Where did you –“ he asked, or at least started to, but Leader beat him to it.

“Oh, was that the same one I threw out back in the greenroom?” Ohno said, and if he thought his heart wasn’t capable of breaking further than it already was, then he was clearly wrong. One sentence out of his damn Leader’s mouth and he could feel the pain clawing its way up his throat it was almost unbearable. “I found it on top of my book and I thought maybe someone left it there, so I threw it,”

“Eh,” Aiba returned, looking nothing but sheepish. “Maybe?” he said, then, “well, anyway, I picked it up because it’s so pretty and we shouldn’t throw pretty things, Leader! And since it’s Nino-chan’s birthday –“ he paused here and handed the single-stemmed white rose into their Leader’s hand and beamed. “Why don’t you give it a kiss and give it to Nino-chan as a gift instead?”

He was damn near broke down right there and it was a good thing Sho was quick to handing him a bottle of beer which he had to down in one big gulp if only to keep himself from crying.

Especially when Ohno took the flower and indulgently pressed his mouth against it before he handed it over, the sounds of Aiba’s squeals filling the awkward air circling around them.

“Happy birthday, I guess,” Ohno said, low, before he went back to his food.

 He nodded and waited for about a few minutes more before using the bathroom to excuse himself, but ending up going home straight instead, sending Jun and Sho two identical texts before he turned his phone off.

He was seated at the back of the cab when he let the fucking tears go.

 

+++

 

The minute he stepped into his home, the pain felt like it was doubling on its own, making it even harder for him to even walk the few steps to his bedroom without tripping. His body was trembling with all the emotions he had successfully evaded till now, the flower he had stupidly left on his Leader’s things earlier being the sole reminder of the thing he once have and knew that he could never be able to have again.

Last year, Ohno gave him the same damn flower on the day of his birthday, which he found sitting on top of his scriptbook the morning he came in that day for work. That and the silver, miniature guitar pendant that he never dared use in fear of scratching it or something.

And learning that Ohno had thrown the flower away made everything absolutely clear; he moved on, he clearly forgot everything he did before when they were still together and that Ohno obviously didn’t want anything to do with him anymore.

He did this to himself, and now, he was suffering. So much that he wondered when the pain would stop and when he would be able to look at Ohno again without feeling the overwhelming flow of regrets filling every fiber of his being at every goddamn time he would stare at the other man.

He wondered if it was going to happen anytime soon.

He stumbled to his bedroom without bothering turning the lights on, went straight to where his study table was and grabbed the newest addition to the piles of journals he left there that morning.

He flipped the first page, willing his fingers not to shake as he grabbed the pen and started scrawling words onto the paper, tasting bile and something else entirely as he bit his lips and allowed himself the luxury to sob out loud the way he never would if he was in the company of others, as he spilled his thoughts onto the paper the way he only knew how.

 

_Dear me,_

_Seriously, what is wrong with you? It had been what, over a month already and yet you’re still following him around like a lost puppy. Give it a rest already. Can’t you see he’s over you? He’s fine, he’s having a good time and he’s flirting with other people while you’re here, wishing it was you. It’s pathetic, you should stop it before J corners you and calls you names you know you can’t bear to be called with._

_I know it’s hard… I know nothing has been easy since you decided to break up but what is done is done – you could have done something to get him back then, or at least you could have told him how much of an idiot you are for breaking up with him when you know it wasn’t what you wanted. You could have told him how much you missed him, how your life hadn’t been exactly the same since you two had parted ways but as it was, like always, you did nothing._

_You’re scared to face him, aren’t you? You’re scared that by allowing yourself to speak freely, you’re going to end up swallowing your own pride just to convince him to stay. But you wouldn’t do that, would you? You wouldn’t, even after the fact that it’s killing you watching him from afar and you couldn’t do anything to cross that distance so you could touch him the way you used to; you wouldn’t do it even for the most important person in your life, not even for him, because you didn’t want him to know that you’re suffering – that being without him felt close to dying already._

_But it was no one’s fault but yours and you know it. Because you love him so and yet, what did you do? Yes. Nothing. You pushed him away when you thought – speculated – that he had stopped loving you a long time ago. It may be true, but at the same time, it might not. But there was no way to know that now, was there? You did it because you were afraid that one day, you’d hear the words you so stupidly told him yourself a month ago, and that convincing yourself that saying them yourself was a hundred times better than hearing him say the words to your face._

_And now you’re hurting watching him from afar – watching him live his life without you while you’re here, wallowing on the misery that you yourself had created._

_And that flower is the proof of your stupidity – the proof that he has moved on with his life while you are here, miserable and alone._

_Worst birthday ever. Hands down._

 

Worst birthday, indeed.

 

 


	3. Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't, but he figured there was nothing to he could do about it now, anyway. What's done was done, what had been said could never be unsaid no matter how badly he regretted saying them. Besides, he knew this was the right thing to do and so he had to live with the consequences of his actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This follows the breakup scene mentioned in Volume 10

"So I guess that's it, huh?" he said, swallowing the urge to cry despite the fact that he's almost there he wondered how the other man couldn't see it. He was having trouble swallowing past the lump in his throat, blinking the tears back as Ohno's face remained passive, unreadable. 

He looked down if only to avoid looking at Ohno's face because if he didn't, he knew he'd cry. 

"I'll just - I'll help you pack your stuffs this weekend because I know how horrible you are with that kind of thing so -" he said, then paused mid-way to catch his breath. 

"Okay," Ohno said, nodding his head in agreement. "Okay, if that's - if that's alright with you, then," 

It wasn't, but he figured there was nothing to he could do about it now, anyway. What's done was done, what had been said could never be unsaid no matter how badly he regretted saying them. Besides, he knew this was the right thing to do and so he had to live with the consequences of his actions. 

"That's fine," he returned, reaching over to offer the older man a handshake. He was not sure what he should be doing but he wished this was alright. They're friends despite all these, afterall. "So, yeah. I guess I'll just see you when I see you, huh, Oh-chan?" he followed, bravely masking his pain with forced courage and even more forced smile he wondered how the older man couldn't see it. 

His chest ached again because maybe, possibly, this was how they've always been even way before. He just failed to see it because he was so in love with Ohno that he was mostly blindsided with his desires to keep up with the older man. 

"I guess," Ohno mumbled back, taking his hand and shaking it. Then, so softly that the sound of it almost got lost in between their combined breathes and the noises his heart was making, Ohno murmured his name in that awfully tender way that made his insides clenched. "Nino," 

He was tugging Ohno into his arms and hugging him so tight before he even realized it, all the while wondering how holding him like this felt so right when everything else seemed wrong. He tilted his head to bury his nose against Ohno's hair, breathing the older man in for the last time before he was pulling away just as quickly. 

Ohno still looked dazed when he let his gaze linger onto the other man's face for a second longer, managing a smile that he wished was genuine enough to be considered as one as he took a step back, and another, away from the older man. 

"Goodbye, Oh-chan," he said, ducking his head down and side-stepping the older man as fast as his wobbly knees would allow him, trailing the way to his car in a record-breaking speed without looking back. 

His heart was being ripped apart with every step, but he didn't dare look back. He couldn't, not now, not when a tiny part of him was wishing Ohno would reach out and stop him, that there was that tiny, hopeful part of him that was expecting Ohno's hand to tug him back around, against the older man's chest, whispering __'don't go, Kazu'__  into his ear. 

There was nothing and just like that, Ohno had managed to break his heart again without even as much as trying. 

He didn't know he managed to drive around the parking lot till he realized he was rounding the same route, slowing down when he spied Ohno at the same spot where he left him a few minutes ago, staring blankly at the space before him without even blinking. 

"O-Oh-chan -" he called out, his fingers shaking against their grip on the steering wheel; he realized he was sobbing so loud when the sound of his voice reverberated to the four corners of his car. 

He watched as Ohno stood there for a few more seconds, watched as something sort of clicked in Ohno's head as Ohno shook himself out of daze and reached down the pockets of his pants for his phone, stared at it for a minute before Ohno slapped it against his ear. 

Then Ohno started walking and he was left there, crying his guts out and calling out Ohno's name on repeat.

 


	4. The Day After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s not even sure how he’s able to force himself out of his house, feeling like the dead walking and probably looking like one, too, judging with the way his manager had eyed him, from head to toe, the minute he came out of the door that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The day after the breakup, exactly what happened in Volume 1, as what was written in Nino's journal.

He’s not even sure how he’s able to force himself out of his house, feeling like the dead walking and probably looking like one, too, judging with the way his manager had eyed him, from head to toe, the minute he came out of the door that morning. 

He didn’t manage to get even a few minutes of sleep the previous night and he knows he looks as terrible as he feels, and the gnawing hole in his chest is worsening every goddamn second that passes knowing that he’s so close to seeing the reason why he’s feeling that way. His manager looks at him as if he’s contemplating between taking him straight to the hospital and asking him what is wrong, but the older man probably figured he’d only tell him off so he wisely kept his mouth shut and drove them to the Jimusho in awkward silence. 

He gets inside the greenroom without him realizing it, and the first spot he checks is the couch where he almost always finds their Leader, unconscious and snoring. This time, however, the couch is empty, so is the whole room, save from him.

“They’re not here yet,” his manager explains from somewhere behind him and it is only then he realizes the older man is talking to him. He sounded like he wants to be anywhere but here and Nino can’t exactly blame him. He wouldn’t even want to be around himself when he’s like this either but he figures the older man is already used to being treated like some invisible entity a few times throughout their whole manager-idol relationship so he tries not to worry about the older man so much.  Afterall, that’s one of those few disadvantages of working in this line business; you can be mad and stressed and frustrated all you want but in the end, the only face they are expected to show is the one that deserves to be on TV, the one that deserves to grace the front of magazines and newspapers. 

Definitely not the face he is sure he has on right now. 

“But I’m sure they’re on their way since the five of you are scheduled to do a photoshoot for the CD jacket before nine. Do you want me to get you your coffee first or do you want to nap for a bit before the others arrive?” 

He is shaking his head so quickly and side-stepping the older man before he even manages to say anything more. 

“No, it’s fine; __I’m__  fine,” he says, more like lies, heading straight to the door so fast as if the devil is after him. “I’ll go get the coffee myself,”

 

+++

 

He ends up hiding behind the vending machine, hoping the shadows casting his whole frame is enough to keep him hidden, at least until he finds the courage to come out and face his bandmates, especially Ohno. He already saw Jun and Aiba rushing towards the greenroom, their collective manager following the two closely. Jun’s manager was missing and Aiba’s own was a few steps behind them, tapping something on his tablet. 

Sho came in about ten minutes after them, talking to his manager about something before they both disappeared behind the greenroom’s door. In his pocket, his phone hadn’t stopped vibrating and he doesn’t even need to check it to know that it is his manager calling him nonstop. 

He doesn’t answer because if he does he knows he might snap. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he himself is vibrating with so much anxiety, his fingers shaking as he keeps his eyes wide open, waiting for Ohno’s arrival. 

Ten, fifteen minutes passed and he’s about ready to give up when the sounds of hurried footsteps stops him from moving out of the shadows.

Ohno arrives with his manager, though the older man looks entirely calm for someone who is whiskers away from being late. He is also wearing that old shirt he once told Ohno to throw away, the one Nakai-san probably gave him as a gift, his cap pulled low on his face. Ohno isn’t talking and is simply nodding away at his manager’s obviously distressed instructions, walking straight to the door without as much as sparing his manager a glance. 

His stomach is in knots and his emotions are in chaos, and it doesn’t help that despite the fact that he’d readied himself for this, he’s sure as hell isn’t prepared to the overwhelming surges of pain the breakup has brought along with it. He is seconds away from calling out Ohno’s name, biting his tongue in time as he watches Ohno’s back disappear from plain sight, clutching the front of his shirt as his tears temporarily blinds him.   

“O-Oh-chan,” he finds himself whimpering anyway, wishing he is strong enough to get through this despite the crippling pain. “Oh god, Oh-chan, Oh-chan –“ 

He’s not sure how it happens but he somehow ended up sprawled on his ass on the cold, unforgiving floor behind the vending machine, trembling at the reality that this is how it’s going to be from now on. He will be left in the dark, gaze following Ohno around like a lost puppy, and Ohno walking on forward without looking back. 

He knows he’s not supposed to even think it, much more say it out loud but he has to, or else he’ll burst. 

“I want you back and it’s only been a day, Oh-chan,” he whispers brokenly, voice cracking embarrassingly at every syllable but it’s this or the choice between screaming and bashing his head to the wall. 

“ _How the hell am I supposed to move past this if I don’t even know how to begin?”_

 

 


	5. Easy Enough To Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He took a step back at the same time Nino stepped onto the lift, suddenly feeling a strange sense of déjà vu as he watched Nino’s hunched back as he boarded the elevator. Then it him – the similarity of this moment and that night months ago, when Nino turned his back on him after Nino told him they were over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-telling of Volume 6.5 Interlude, through Ohno’s eyes.

There was a moment of quiet stillness before he heard Nino spoke. 

“I didn’t ask you to come with me,” said Nino, using that tone that made his insides churn. He wanted to shake his head, to turn completely around and leave but as it was, his body was moving on its own again without him knowing it. 

He realized he was standing too close to Nino when the next thing he felt was Nino’s shoulder bumping against his. 

“No,” he mumbled, feeling like he was talking through a mouthful of cotton. Everything hurts and he knew that the pain wasn’t physical because if it was, it would have been easier to deal with it. It was his heart, of course, __of course__. 

“But I wanted to walk you home,” he followed after heaving a shaky breath, swallowing past the lump in his throat without sparing the man next to him a glance. “The same way I used to for the last couple of years,” 

Nino didn’t say anything for a while and well, he couldn’t exactly blame him. Their relationship had been on the verge of falling over that dangerous line eversince that night Nino broke up with him but they’ve managed to keep it standing on a safer ground because of Arashi. But to be honest, he himself wasn’t sure if there was such a thing as safe ground anymore. 

Not when that one thing that used to keep him alive, undoubtedly happy even, was now more than enough reason to shred his insides into tiny, unrecognizable pieces and that was by simply standing this close to Nino. 

“You really don’t have to do this,” said Nino, shoulders hunched as he walked on. He paused, feeling like he had been stabbed repeatedly in the chest, like his life was bleeding out of him in slow, painful degrees. 

“I know,” he replied, forcing himself to move, to keep walking until he was on Nino’s heels again, all the while swallowing that embarrassing urge to cry, to turn completely around and leave because the desire to stay with Nino, at least for a little bit longer was way stronger than every single pain Nino had caused him in the past, stronger than every other pain Nino was causing him now. 

“But I want to. Just because we broke up doesn’t mean everything has to change, yeah?” he followed, making it sound like he was joking though he was feeling anything but. The pain in his chest was almost unbearable now he wondered why he hadn’t fallen over and die yet, but maybe it was due to the fact that while it was too easy for Nino to hurt him enough for him to wish for a quick death instead, Nino was, and would always be the only person who had the ability to keep him alive just by being there. 

“We’re still friends, the last time I checked, right? Oh, but if you don’t want us to be, then that’s –“ 

“I never said anything about not wanting to be your friend, Satoshi,” muttered Nino and his heart did another of those painful somersaults it was used to performing inside his ribcage eversince he and Nino parted ways that he was again left wondering how long it would take for his heart to stop beating through all the pain it had suffered because of loving Nino. Maybe he was a masochist, he wondered, for the pain was also layered with something entirely else just because Nino had accidentally called him by his given name.

“No, no you didn’t,” he returned in a small voice, “But you act like you’d rather be anywhere than here, rather for us to be strangers than friends,” he followed, biting his lips a second too late because the words were out of his mouth before he could even stop them. 

“Oh-chan, be reasonable,” Nino countered, and he did look a little bit miserable, frustrated even, but for the life of him, he was sure that whatever Nino was feeling then wouldn’t rival the twisting pain gripping at his chest in return. 

He knew, because then he gazed longingly at Nino and found nothing sort of similar when Nino gazed at him back. 

He wanted to say __I wanted to, but then I see you and my heart breaks again, and then every single thing that made sense before you, before us, suddenly stopped being one; you want me to be reasonable? You want me to act sensibly when all I think about when I stare at you is how difficult it is to be standing this close to you and not touch you?__ , but all that came out was, “Ah, we’re here,” grateful that despite the dizzying pain crippling him from the inside, he was still marginally good at acting like nothing was wrong. 

“Go on,” he said, pointing at the elevator. 

Nino looked at him and for one insane moment, he thought Nino looked like he might cry. But then Nino was speaking again and the moment was broken. 

“W-What about you?” 

He shrugged, jabbing a thumb behind him as if he was pointing at some invisible cab waiting for him. “Ah, I’ll catch a cab and go straight home to my folks, maybe sleep the next few days if I can, don’t worry about me,”    

Again, he wondered if his eyes were playing tricks on him because he swore Nino’s mouth opened as if he was about to say something, and then closed it again afterwards. His gaze followed the way Nino’s adams apple bobbed and blinked when Nino muttered, 

“You just make sure to inform me that you made it home alive, okay? Or at least Sho – I’ll just, yeah, just mail Sho and Sho could mail me or something,” as if he was some kind of delinquent that needed reminding about the importance of informing people, most of all friends, that he made it home in one piece or something. 

He laughed at this, if only to cover the horrible pain this was causing him, if only so Nino wouldn’t think he was this close to begging Nino to please let him in, back into Nino’s house, and back into Nino’s life. He couldn’t because he knew Nino wouldn’t either. 

He raised his hand and threw Nino a very ridiculous peace sign. “I’ll text you, I promise,” he said, surprising Nino by pushing him forward and pressing the number of his floor without being prompted. It took him all of his reserved courage not to keep holding Nino, swallowing past the horrible lump in his throat when he realized how bony Nino’s shoulder was underneath his hand. 

He took a step back at the same time Nino stepped onto the lift, suddenly feeling a strange sense of déjà vu as he watched Nino’s hunched back as he boarded the elevator. Then it him – the similarity of this moment and that night months ago, when Nino turned his back on him after Nino told him they were over. 

The pain struck him like lightning would, and he wondered, not for the first time, why they ended up like this when he was sure they were both crazy about each other even before they officially got together. 

Nino turned just as he was tilting his head to the side, catching his lower lip in between his teeth to keep himself from crying, and managing a smile that he hoped didn’t look as miserable as he himself felt. 

His emotions were in chaos and he knew he was seconds away from completely losing it so he blinked the tears away and whispered, “Happy New Year, Kazu,” before he turned away. 

He rounded the corner as fast as his wobbly legs would allow him, finding a dark alleyway and quickly hiding himself there before letting go of the tears he’d been holding. 

He slumped against the wall, shaking, misery seeping through his skin as his sobs rocked him to the core as he called Nino’s name. 

It was the first day of the year and here he was in the dark, sobbing like a child who lost everything; everything hurts and it sure felt like nothing would ever go right when he was still this much in love with Nino and Nino had obviously moved on with his life the way he should have done months ago.

 


	6. Turn Around And You'll Find Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today marked the fourth month since he and Nino broke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was what happened in Volume 11 part 1, as was written in Nino's journal.

Today marked the fourth month since he and Nino broke up. 

It was amusing to think that for someone who usually couldn’t remember important dates and events, especially those that mattered, suddenly, there was this one date that seemed to have been embedded into his being like second skin.  It’s the 22nd  day of every month, the date that toppled every single important and memorable dates in his life that it was so damn hard to forget it. 

It’s the day Nino told him they were over. 

He would probably appreciate it if he had work scheduled today until tomorrow morning, so when he was done, he’d be too tired to think about Nino and the many things he’d been trying to avoid for months now. He’d just sleep it off, maybe drink a bottle or two if he had to, hoping the ache in his chest would be gone come morning, despite knowing that it wouldn’t. Somehow, dealing with the sure hangover was way easier than the almost permanent ache in his chest, since the headache wasn’t something an aspirin or a good night’s sleep couldn’t fix. 

Few months passed and he was here, replaying the scene in his head like a lunatic, wondering if things would have been so different if he had done something then. What if he had come after Nino? What if he had begged on his knees, had swallowed his pride and had asked the younger man for another chance? Would it change anything? 

He shook his head, hand reaching up to rub his chest, the spot where his heart was beating steadily underneath. It was so difficult sometimes when he’s alone like this and all he could think about were the things he could no longer fix, the chances that had slipped away because he was too scared, too unconfident to invite Nino out to talk. 

Maybe it was because he knew it wouldn’t do him any good, anyway, that he would only end up hurting himself in the process if he had to look into the eyes of the man he was still madly in love with and see it himself. Nino didn’t love him anymore, he’d given up on him, on them, he’d moved on so he might as well do the same. 

Still, it was easier said than done and sometimes, like today, he found himself with the urge to just call Nino or go straight to his apartment and demand for them to talk. Sometimes, the urge was so overwhelming that he found himself blinded with the urge to see Nino, that he didn’t realize he had flagged down a cab and asked to be driven to Nino’s apartment complex until they were there. 

Today, though, it was one of those days where he was able to catch himself halfway before the itch had managed to escalate any further. The pain was at least easier to deal with when he had enough time to ready himself for it, that even though the pain was ever present, he had learned to live with that ache knowing that someday, he’d get over it – that he’d get over Nino and maybe then, he could live on despite the fact that he’d lost Nino forever. 

Sadly, that day hadn’t come yet. 

“Where to, Sir?” the driver asked, looking a bit annoyed; he figured it wasn’t the first time he was asked, he’s thoughts were drifting away, afterall. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled his apologies before saying the name of the bar he used to spend a few hours drinking away when he felt like it, when it felt like drowning the misery with alcohol seemed a far better idea than to knock on Nino’s door and begged the younger man to take him back.

 

+++

 

He knew they meant well, they’re his friends afterall, but they’re not him; they weren’t the ones who had to suffer the pain of seeing the love of their life everyday and couldn’t do more than stare after him when he walk away. They weren’t the ones who had to tough it up every fucking time he wished he’d look at him, at least for a second, but wouldn’t because he was too busy looking at someone else to pay attention to him anymore. 

He knew it was a bad idea to let J drag him out but he let the younger man anyway, because he knew the other man wouldn’t stop nagging him about it – about letting himself rot at home while the love of his miserable existence was possibly fucking the hell out of somebody right this minute. He knew he shouldn’t have let Jun have his way with him, though it was pretty clear, what with the way he was downing the free drinks, that he allowed it himself anyway. 

Jun promised free drinks and so he grabbed it. Well, he had to, since those alcoholic shit sure were expensive – he didn’t even have to dilute them with ice, because damn it, J was paying and sure looked like he was planning on getting him drunk anyway. 

And that exactly what had happened. 

He was sure he was a little out of it, but it didn’t mean he was that drunk not to care, that he’d be too drunk not to notice that he somehow ended up with his face mashed against the table top while J asked him questions after questions, stupid as they were. he was aware, yes; possibly dizzy and minutes away from puking his brains out but he held himself back for as long as he could. Drunk or not, he was sure J wouldn’t appreciate getting puked all over, thank you very much. 

“You can’t continue doing this to yourself, Nino,” J muttered, and it was one of the many things that actually made through his already drunken stupor as he found himself raising his head, though with a little difficulty, to squint at his friend’s pretty fucking face. It took him quite a long while and quite a few numbers of blinking before J’s multiple faces morphed into one. 

“It’s not healthy, and you know it. It’s been, what, a few months now, and as far as we know, Leader’s doing fine and it goes without saying that you should be doing the same thing, too,” 

He scowled at that, because, what the hell, rub it in my face, why don’t you? “That’s easier said than done, J, and you know it,” he bit back, though it lacked its intended bite. He knew J meant well, they all do, but with regards to this – with regards to how he deal with his heart trying to explode out of his chest every goddamn time Oh-chan was near, they fucking knew nothing. 

“If it’s so hard –“ J started again, eyeing him carefully this time, “if it’s too damn difficult, then you shouldn’t have broken up with him in the first place,” J muttered and he sure looked like a man who was nearing the end of his patience. 

The only problem here was, he had an excuse; J was the one who gave him __this__  as an excuse, afterall, and no matter how damn stupid an excuse it was, still, he’d take it.  Being drunk sure had its perks, and no matter if he was or not, pretending always worked best -- and he could very well keep his argument at bay however long he fucking liked. 

“You’re just saying that because you’re not me – because you aren’t the one who had to wake up every goddamn day only to ask yourself what you did wrong. I for one, didn’t want to lose Leader like that, but I was only prolonging what was already inevitable. Leader didn’t love me – doesn’t love me the way he used to and there was no use trying to hold on when you’re the only one trying. It’s not going to work that way,” 

J shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing, and him for one, didn’t want to believe what he himself was saying either. But it was the truth -- the painful truth that he knew he had to learn to come to terms with, someday maybe, presently, he wasn’t very sure, but it didn’t mean it would be easy. None of it would. 

Loving Leader had been too easy, but being in a relationship with him was anything but; there were times when he was so close to punching the hell out of the older man himself but then he would look at him and he’d remember the many reasons why he kept on forgiving the older man, why he kept on indulging him till then. Maybe the hardest part was when Leader had stopped giving hiim reasons to fight, when he had stopped looking back when he called his name. 

Loving him maybe easy, the other parts too hard, but the hardest would be when he had to step back, when he had to tell him it was over when it was fucking obvious that it never would be. At least on his part, it wouldn’t. Never. 

“Nino –“ 

“I’m – I’m working on it, J, okay? I promise I am. Just –“ he said, then paused here, because if he didn’t he knew he’d cry and J would probably give him hell for it. “It’s still a little bit difficult, you see? I just – I still missed him, you know? I – I can’t even fucking sleep in my own bed without wanting to cry my eyes out because my arms keep reaching for him even though I know he’s not there. It’s stupid, I know it’s fucking stupid but –“ 

“You’re never ever going to move on if you’re like that, Nino,” J cut him off, and he looked up at his friend and shook his head. Thank goodness for pointing out the obvious, Matsumoto-san. 

“So what do you suggest I should do?” he asked, daring him; he knew he was threading through dangerous waters now but hell, he was still drunk right? So he was still entitled to bite out a couple more bullshits and get away with it, too. “Disappear?” he outright snorted here while trying to take a sip of his margarita and coughed; shit, inhaling alcohol did hurt like a bitch. 

J handed over a paper towel without even being prompted. 

“Close,” J said, “I think you ought to keep your distance from Leader for a bit. If he’s there, leave the room if you have to, just, I don’t know, maybe avoid being close to him for the time being. I can suggest putting you guys on different schedules for filming – recording wouldn’t be a problem since we’ve been doing that individually anyway. You just have to be professional enough to work with him during Shiyagare shoots, though, but I will make sure you won’t end up partnered with him for the –“

“No, Jun, please,” he found himself muttering  then as he reached over to grab J’s wrist tightly; he didn’t know what came over him, but it suddenly felt like he was being suffocated, like he was suddenly breathing underwater and choking. 

“Nino, you know I’m doing this for you; I can’t – I’m your friend, okay? And I can see this is killing you already and I’m not going to just stand here and watch you do that to yourself,” 

He shook his head, kept shaking it until everything he thought he could keep locked in was slowly but surely spinning out of his control. He had to bite his tongue to keep the words from spilling, but the tears surely didn’t want to be reined in this time as they fell from his eyes and the only thing he could see was the shape Jun’s mouth made as he called his name. 

“Nino –“ 

“That’d be all I have left of him, J,” he said, miserable and pathetic, and knew that he was trembling with all the emotions he had bravely kept at bay, “seeing him everyday is what has kept me alive till now, so don’t you dare take that away from me, please, I’m begging you,” he said, crying openly now and wasn’t even the least bit ashamed of it; he’d have to use that drunk excuse to its fullest, he truly intend to, but right now, letting these all out seemed like the better plan. 

“Nino, you don’t know what you’re saying – this, this isn’t –“ 

“I know what I’m asking you,” he told Jun, seizing his wrist and letting him know he was very much sober for this shit, even if he thought he wasn’t. “Jun, I had to give him up because I know he’s no longer happy, but it doesn’t mean that’s what I want, okay? I had to give him his freedom because his happiness is what’s important, much more important than mine, so I had to give it to him, you understand? I can be miserable all my life, I don’t care, I wouldn’t, I swear – so long as I’m sure he’d be there when I turn around to check him out even though he wouldn’t look back, that he’d be there if I wanted to see him even though he’s looking at someone else. He’s the love of my life, the reason I'm still breathing, Jun; and I have already resigned myself to letting that love walk away from me, because I can still breathe knowing that he’s just out there, happy even without me. Because I know I can still see him the next day, and the next, probably; so at least let me have that much, Jun. Let me have that much and it’ll be enough,” 

The next thing he knew, he had been tugged into the fiercest hugs he’d  ever received in his life, as he sobbed wordlessly against one of his longest friend’s shoulder.

 

++++

 

He was on his fifth shot when he thought he heard someone’s familiar voice as he leaned back against the chair and watched the moisture gather from around his glass. He thought the pain would decrease once the alcohol started kicking in but this time, once again, he was wrong because suddenly, he couldn’t breathe. His hand felt around his pocket for his phone, eyes blurry with tears as he raised it up and with trembling fingers, swiped the screen and unlocked it, tapping the screen and finding Nino’s name and staring at it. 

“I miss you, Kazu,” he murmured under his breath, thumb hovering over the call button as the tears rolled down his cheek. He couldn’t do it no matter how badly he wanted to, because he knew he had no right to, not anymore.

 


	7. When You're Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This happened after Nino and Jun's impromptu drinking party.

“Nino, we’re here,” he informed his drunken friend, who was still busy mumbling things underneath his breath that Jun had stopped trying to make sense with after the first five times he asked the slighter man what he was saying. He turned the ignition off and shifted to face Nino. 

He was not even slightly surprised to find that Nino was crying. Again. 

“Come on,” he told his friend, reaching over to remove his seat belt. Nino remained still though Jun could still hear Nino’s almost inaudible musings, coupled with what seemed like Leader’s name. “Hey, are you okay?” he asked, though it’s perfectly clear that Nino was anything but. He poked at his friend’s arm and got nothing more than a garbled grunt in return. 

“Seriously, Nino, are you okay? Just nod if you can at least manage to walk up to your apartment or shake your head if you can’t. Just, fucking say something –“ he trailed, because then Nino was slapping a hand over his mouth, obviously sensible enough not to throw up inside Jun’s car, but was too drunk to even warn Jun about it. 

“Fucking hell, don’t you dare throw up in here or so help me, I am going to leave you out there in the sidewalk – hey!”

 

+++

 

“I love him – hik – so much,” Nino muttered into his neck, the spot felt damp and much too warm that Jun’s chest constrict with just the thought of Nino’s miserable face. Back there at the bar, Jun watched his friend’s vain attempt at swallowing the urge to cry, but after his fifth tequila shot, not even Nino was strong enough to keep his shit together. 

“Like I don’t know that,” he told Nino as he carefully lowered Nino to his bed. Everything around here looked the same since the last time they were invited over (Nino and Leader were still together then), save from the numerous craps lining Nino’s once bared walls. “Huh?” he muttered to himself, feeling a bit creep out. 

Nino mumbled something again, and he threw the slighter man a look; Nino’s eyes were closed though he was mumbling still. He took a step forward and poked Nino on the cheek.

“Oi, what the hell are those?” he asked, feeling slightly stupid afterward when the only thing he got from Nino was something that sounded suspiciously like ‘I love you, Oh-chan’. He sighed and raised his head to squint at the walls again, this time taking few steps forward to inspect them closely. 

“These are –“ he mumbled with a start, whipping his head around to stare at Nino in utter disbelief. There were five laminated things up here, and a couple more at the opposite wall, things that were obviously made by Leader’s talented hands. 

The light in Nino’s bedroom wasn’t all that bright and so Jun had to squint at everything to see them, before he finally gave up and whipped his phone out to use the screen’s light to check everything. There were doodles, unfinished drawings and paintings that Leader probably did out of boredom which he didn’t bother finishing or wasn’t able to were now lining Nino’s walls. The initial feeling faded along with his desire to leave as soon as he arrived, ignoring Nino’s nonsensical whining about Leader’s existence. 

The next thing he saw were the journals piled neatly on Nino’s study table. 

He was walking towards it before he could even stop himself, finding three books already filled till the last page (he didn’t dare read it, despite the urge because for one, he wasn’t sure he was all ready to be the sole witness, aside from the journals at least, to Nino and Leader’s filthy love affair just yet) before his gaze zoomed in onto the thicker one piled next to the other three. 

It was marked ‘MEMORIES’, in big, bold letters; there was also a blue-tipped pen poking out, as if it was being used as bookmark of some sort. 

He looked behind him to find Nino snoring lightly, giving up entirely on not peeking in as he held the book carefully and opened it to the page where the pen was inserted. 

He squinted down at the page, feeling like his own heart was slowly being ripped in pieces as he read.

 

 

_**I wish I could drown,** _

_**Sink deeper and deeper in the depths of the ocean so I won’t float back to misery.** _

_**Sink further till I touch the ocean’s bed and lie there,** _

_**Till the waves corrode my body,** _

_**Till the only remnants of me are sediments that the waves would be able to wash up the shore;** _

__

_**Make me disappear,** _

_**Allow the vastness of the sea carry me somewhere no one else could see,** _

_**Where no one could find me,** _

_**Like the sand in my feet,** _

_**Too small to matter, too tiny to care, too little to feel again.** _

__

__

_**13 July 2012** _

_**The world without you and me** _

_**By : Ninomiya Kazunari** _

 

 

A tear fell from Jun’s eyes without him realizing it.

 


	8. Is This Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on Arashi’s Kimi Ga Waraeru You Ni 
> 
> (Told through Ohno's eyes)

He came in just when Nino was on his way out, nodding at him as his means of greetings. He simply nod back and did his best not to follow Nino’s retreating back at the same time the standby tech was stepping forward and handing him a sheet of paper – possibly the lyric sheet for today’s song recording. 

He squinted at it, only vaguely surprised that his name was scrawled at the bottom, for once, and not anywhere near the first or the second or third verses even. Oh, okay, he was singing the chorus, at the very least, what a relief. 

He pointed at the paper and showed it to the tech waiting by his side. 

“I’m supposed to record the bridge and the chorus only?” he asked, just to clarify it. 

The tech looked a bit embarrassed. “I.. I guess so, Ohno-san, but if you want I can’t ask the –“ 

“No, no, it’s okay,” he said, waving a hand, offering the tech a smile. “Let me read through it and then let’s start, yeah?” he said, turning his cap around and read through the whole song from the top. 

It didn’t escape his attention that every verse was highlighted and the name of the member it was assigned to was scrawled right next to it. 

The first verse, it seemed, had been split to be sung by Nino and Sho, and with the way the way the names were written, it was obvious that Nino did the opening.

He read through the first verse and his heart ached with the remembered pain, and the urge to hear the final product of this song was so strong he found himself gripping the sheet tightly, before he willed himself to calm down by breathing deeply a couple of times. 

When he is ready, he let the music take him where he needed to go, feeling both melancholic and sentimental as he closed his eyes and listened to his bandmates’ voices as they sing about love, and letting go.

 

__I rewrote it dozens of times_ _

__A message with everything that’s in my  heart_ _

__It’s sitting in my unsent folder growing old_ _

__It repeated hundreds of times_ _

__Your soft smile_ _

__I want to forget it, but it’s my emotional support_ _

__

__Let’s follow a normal love story_ _

__Grasping our movie tickets tightly_ _

__If you tear them, you can cry about it later_ _

__Because it will surely make you more kind_ _

__

__Goodbye Goodbye_ _

__Just having been able to meet you_ _

__I can believe “I was happy”_ _

__From now on From now on_ _

__So that you can smile_ _

__It’d be nice if my feelings would change into a rainbow_ _

__

__Wanting to find what I was missing_ _

__Everytime I opened a new door_ _

__Memories of you grow stronger_ _

__“I’m trying to make sure they don’t wither”, you said_ _

__The flowers you cherished_ _

__They budded again this year_ _

__

__Even if it’s a normal love story_ _

__Our memories won’t fade away_ _

__You are you And I’m still me_ _

__We’ll surely grow kinder_ _

__

__Goodbye From here, we’ll make a start_ _

__Accept the truth_ _

__I could see the usual scenery a bit differently_ _

__It’d be nice if a rainbow appears in your sky_ _

__

__A wonderful, wonderful feeling is here_ _

__“Thank you” is what I think now_ _

__

__Goodby Goodbye_ _

__Just having been able to meet you_ _

__I can believe “I was happy”_ _

__From now on From now on_ _

__So that you can smile_ _

__It’d be nice if my feelings would change into a rainbow._ _

 

Surprisingly, it didn’t even take him half an hour to finish recording his part. The staffs were, as usual, happy that they could go home earlier. 

“That’s all for today,” the producer announced, smiling widely, at the same time he was putting his headset down. “Good work, Ohno-san,” 

He simply  nodded and swallowed thickly before he called out the producer’s name again before he could stop himself. 

“Yes?” 

He swallowed again, knew that it would sound strange, the thing he was about to ask, request, but he had to ask, he had to. 

“I –“ he paused and bowed his head, like an advance apology. “Is it okay to ask an advance copy of the final recording of this song?” he asked, smiling sheepishly. “I just… I like the song and I really appreciate it if I can have an advance copy? I mean I –“ 

The producer looked a little taken back but he did smile indulgingly in the end before he was bowing back. 

“Oh sure sure,” the older man returned, smile still in place. “Just this song, yeah?”

“Yes,” he said, bowing his head again. “I just want to hear the full version, if you don’t mind,” he said, though what he was thinking was, let me hear Nino’s voice singing this song, please? 

The producer smiled and gestured. “Just give me a minute and I’ll be back with it,” 

He mumbled his thanks and bowed his head again.

 

++++

 

Just the opening part and he could already feel the heat gathering at the corners of his eyes. 

It felt like his chest was being gripped by an invisible hand when Nino started singing. As always, Nino sang with all the raw emotion only he knew how, every single syllable filled with intensity that he found himself gasping until the very last word before pushing the repeat button just to hear Nino again. 

They said he possessed the best singing voice in Arashi, but it wasn’t even once that he thought differently. For him, Nino possessed the most powerful voice among the five of them – because Nino sings with all his heart, putting all his emotion on that one song, like Nino was baring his soul for everyone to hear when he was singing. And for this particular song, Nino proved it yet again. 

Maybe it was true that he could sing well, but for him, it was nothing compared to the way Nino was able to lend himself to the song the way he never could; that hearing the little trembles on Nino’s voice when Nino sings was enough for him to want to curl onto himself and drown himself with regrets. 

Nino was singing about letters he’s written and he kept hidden away while he sung about feeling wonderful when he’s feeling anything about. 

“I didn’t want to say goodbye, you know?” he muttered out loud, hitting the repeat button again. 

Nino continued singing while he sat there, staring at nothing, eyed blurred with tears.


	9. Stay or Walk Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it was really possible that he’d be okay, just like what his friends had told him months and months before; that he would someday wake up one morning only to realize that waking up alone didn’t hurt as much as it did before just because Ohno wasn’t there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still based on Arashi's Kimi Ga Waraeru You Ni
> 
> (Retelling of Is This Goodbye, through Nino's eyes)

He came into the recording studio that morning with just the barest amount of difficulty, and it earned him a grateful smile from his manager the minute he boarded the older man’s car. 

Maybe it was really possible that he’d be okay, just like what his friends had told him months and months before; that he would someday wake up one morning only to realize that waking up alone didn’t hurt as much as it did before just because Ohno wasn’t there. 

Maybe they were right about letting time heal those wounds even he himself wasn’t sure could be heal anymore, because now, he’s pretty sure that the pain wasn’t so unbearable. Maybe he could even live through the constant ache in his chest, though he wouldn’t count on it disappearing completely because even now, a year after he told Ohno they were over, the pain was constantly there to remind him of what he had lost and would never be able to have again. His friends, most especially Jun, had once mentioned about trying it out with other people, because he never know, maybe he’d get over his past heartache if there was someone who was always there to take care of him but for some reason, just the thought of it repulsed him. 

And that was probably when he realized there was no getting over Ohno no matter what, that it wouldn’t matter how long they remain apart, because for his stupid, stupid heart, it was just Ohno and it would always be Ohno. 

Moving on was not an option here, he knew that now; he had relationships before Ohno but it never took him quite this long to get over a breakup, to get over someone the same way he was having difficulty trying to wrap his head around the fact that he and Ohno were over, even after a year of  living apart. 

And it would probably a lot easier to deal with everything if there was any way to dull the pain especially when Ohno was near but he guessed that was just asking for the impossible, not when he himself knew that despite everything, he couldn’t live without it now. 

For the pain reminded him of the fact that once in his life, he found the other half of his heart, his soul, even though that other part decided to move along and leave him behind. 

“You’ll be doing the first part, Ninomiya-san,” the standby tech said, pointing at the lyric sheet, particularly at the very first verse where his name was scrawled neatly, followed by Sho’s name. “This first verse here will be split between you and Sakurai-san –“ 

“I’m singing the opening?” he asked, surprised. The tech nodded. “Are you sure?” he asked again, just to confirm, before his gaze darted back onto the words written down on the paper. 

He couldn’t help the smile from tugging at the corners of his lips the minute he read through the first part, especially the part that was assigned for him to sing.

 

 

__I rewrote it dozens of times_ _

__A message with everything that’s in my  heart_ _

__It’s sitting in my unsent folder growing old_ _

__

__It repeated hundreds of times_ _

__Your soft smile_ _

__I want to forget it, but it’s my emotional support_ _

__

He thought of the journals he had back home, piled neatly on top of his work table, and the fact that they bore the evidence of his failure as a man who loved someone so deeply. The irony of it all, of this particular song, this particular verse being assigned to him was so surprising that he found himself grinning quietly before he could stop it. 

“Is there a problem, Ninomiya-san?” the tech asked, prompting him and thus effectively tugging him out from his temporary daze. 

He shook his head and sat himself down on the recording booth chair, picked up the headset and nodded at the standby tech, then to the recording staffs watching him beyond the mirrored wall. 

“Let’s do our best today,” he said, putting the headset on and letting the music lead him where he needed to go.

 

+++

 

He wrapped up about one and a half hour after, his recording took longer than he normally would but he guessed it couldn’t be helped when it wasn’t even once he found himself caught between either giggling or crying during the first five times he was singing the first part. 

It got easier once he had managed to satisfy the producer after the 15th time of trying, and that he was able to sing his parts for the chorus easier than he did for the opening afterwards. 

He bowed in thanks when the producer gave his okay, carefully put his headset down and was about to head straight to the nearby bench to retrieve his bag when a movement outside the door caught his attention. 

He didn’t even need to check it out any further to know that it was Ohno. 

The familiar slouch immediately gave Ohno away, though from this distance, it would be pretty difficult to tell when the only thing he could see was the person’s back since this was him, and that no matter how far apart they would be from each other, he’d know immediately if it was Ohno. He didn’t even need to squint hard to make out the face hidden carefully under the brim of Ohno’s cap, felt his heartbeat racing as he grabbed his bag and hitched it up his shoulder. 

It didn’t even take a whole minute for the dull ache to resurface, along with the unsteady beat of his heart, the horrible twisting in his stomach when the door opened and Ohno stepped inside. His throat felt dry and he could feel the way his knees wobbled when he stepped forward himself, mirroring Ohno’s, vaguely wishing he had the power to make himself invisible just so Ohno wouldn’t have to look at him, wouldn’t have to see him when Ohno walked in at the same time he would walk out. 

Their eyes met for the briefest instant and he swore it felt like the world stopped right then and there. He at least managed a nod despite the gnawing pain throbbing inside his chest, bit his tongue when Ohno managed a nod of his own as they passed each other without a single word. 

He was able to walk the rest of the way towards the nearest lift without looking back despite his wobbly legs, gaze lost in front of him, blinking at the numbers without actually seeing them. 

“Will I ever get over you, Oh-chan?” he mumbled to himself, trying to blink the tears away and turning towards the direction of the stairs before breaking into a run.


	10. Silent Whispers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But it was hard, considering the fact that he was fighting hard with no one but himself; and the worse thing was that even now, even after so long, he was quietly wishing for the impossible. Eight months down the road and Ohno simply had to walk him home for him to be reminded of the things he tried his very best not to think about anymore, one, almost watery smile was what it took for his barely-there strength to crumble to the ground as if it was nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another side of Volume 6.5, Interlude. Told through Nino's eyes.

He stumbled into his apartment in an almost perpetual daze, seemingly half-conscious and unaware as to how he was able to get inside without accidentally bumping into anything. 

It was difficult, though, to worry about physically hurting himself when he was not sure if he was still capable of feeling anything, not after what happened downstairs. 

The first place he went to was the kitchen - particularly the cupboard where he was keeping the few bottles of sake for occasions such as this. His fingertips tingled despite the numbness he felt around his chest, not even bothering pouring the contents into a glass as he popped the bottle open and drank from it straight. 

Three huge chugs and he realized the bottle was almost half-empty when he set it down, fingers shaking as he did so. 

He was almost certain the alcohol had just kicked in when the numbness was slowly being replaced with something that was no longer unfamiliar along with the instinct to curl onto himself and cry, wishing he was strong enough not to do this to himself anymore. 

But it was hard, considering the fact that he was fighting hard with no one but himself;  and the worse thing was that even now, even after so long, he was quietly wishing for the impossible. Eight months down the road and Ohno simply had to walk him home for him to be reminded of the things he tried his very best not to think about anymore, one, almost watery smile was what it took for his barely-there strength to crumble to the ground as if it was nothing. 

As if he didn't spend eight long months gathering the pieces of his broken self because Ohno had managed to tear him apart into shreds within minutes. 

"H-Happy new year, Oh-chan..."

 

 

+++

 

__H-Hello?  
_ _

__H-Hello, Oh-chan, are you there?  
_ _

__Hah, of course you're not, what am I even thinking? You're not there and you won't ever be even if I beg you to, right? It's stupid of me to even think that you... t-that you d-did what you did tonight because you...  
_ _

__But of course, you don't. Of course, you wouldn't because, it's impossible, right? As you said, we're still friends. That just because we broke up doesn't mean that everything has to change, right? Of course, it shouldn't, but.... but how am I supposed to do that when... when everytime I see you, it feels like I'm close to dying but at the same time, not? How am I supposed to act the way I am expected to when the first thing I'm inclined to do when I see you is to hold you and ask you - beg you for another chance? How was I supposed to make things right when I can't even do this moving on thing right? How was I supposed to let you go when my heart longs for you every second even though I know I can never have you again?  
_ _

__B-But tonight, I almost believed it, you know? I almost, almost believed there was a chance for you and I. When I found you walking next to me, when I saw the genuine smile on your lips, I had hoped that maybe, hopefully, you have forgiven and you were there to ask me if maybe we could....  
_ _

__But you didn't.  
_ _

__You didn't, Oh-chan and I. I felt like dying. I felt like the last bits of my sanity had gone and left me the minute you turned around and walked away, the same way I did to you the night I said we were over._ _

__I wish you'll hear me out. I wish you'd at least allow me the chance to explain but if even that is no longer allowed...  
_ _

__I love you.  
_ _

__I have never stopped loving you, Oh-chan. I lied. I lied, Oh-chan. I'm sorry.  
_ _

__I'm so sorry._ _

 

 

End of message. To repeat the previous message, please press 9. To go back to the main menu, please press 0.

 

 

With trembling fingers, Jun pressed 9, closed his eyes and willed himself not to cry, hearing Nino's muffled sobs.

 

 


	11. Pack Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This happened about a week after the breakup.

He hauled the fifth box out of the bedroom, leaving Nino with the task of filling the sixth (and hopefully the last) box as he took in the surroundings. 

This had been his home for the last couple of months eversince he had "unofficially" moved in. He named it "unofficial" because he and Nino never talked about it, it just happened that one day, Nino had handed over a set of keys with a completely straight face, telling him he could drop by sometimes if he felt like it. 

The first thing that made permanent residence on Nino's apartment were his rehearsal clothes (Nino even did his laundry for him because he completely forgot about them), followed by his favorite set of fishing paraphernalia, then his art stuffs (his manager sort of dumped them on the front steps of Nino's apartment one time he asked the older man to help him with them) before he himself followed. 

At first, he would stay for a night if his and Nino's day off coincided with each other, then one night became two, then three, until he realized he was staying at Nino's place frequently than he'd ever stayed in his own apartment. 

The funny thing was that despite that, neither of them thought of having him move in permanently into Nino's apartment. 

But with how things had turned out for them, he was glad he didn't think of giving up his own apartment because if he did, then he'd be left with no other choice but to move back in with his parents. 

And right now, staying with his folks would have been a very bad idea. 

__"Sato__  - Leader!" called Nino, shifting from first name-basis to addressing him the way the rest of Arashi would and the almost permanent ache in his chest intensified without him knowing it. 

"Yes?" he said, popping his head inside and finding Nino holding up a shirt - a black one with letters NANCY written in the front. 

"Is this mine?" Nino asked, raising the said shirt up in mid-air and squinting at it. "I think it is, though I'm pretty sure it was you who -" 

"I'm not really sure," he lied through his teeth, because he was pretty sure Nino bought the shirt for him, the same one he was used to wearing around the house because it was comfortable. He liked that shirt, to be honest, even though Nino found it ugly. "But it's okay, you can have it," he said. 

Nino shrugged and flung the shirt aside, and his gaze followed it as it landed into the bed. 

"Fine," Nino said, as he returned to the task at hand. "anyway I think it's overused, anyway. I can use it to wipe the counter and the kitchen floor," 

He didn't say anything; he refused to because if he did, he might say something he knew he would regret later.

 

+++

 

He had unloaded the last of the boxes, sweating, turning to find Nino gazing at some spot on the road ahead. Nino didn't even bother getting out to help him unload the boxes and well, he didn't really mind it, especially since Nino hadn't talk eversince they left Nino's apartment. 

He told Nino that he would just hire a mover to help him with his stuffs but Nino outright refused, saying something about how they would deal with it if news about him moving his stuffs out of his bandmate's place leaked out? He agreed because he thought Nino might be right and because in all honesty, he didn't want to leave Nino just yet. 

But now, as he stared at the boxes littering the front of his apartment block, he knew that this was it. The minute Nino started his car and drove away, it would be it. He would never get a chance to ask Nino again, would never get to open his mouth to ask Nino if this was really what they both wanted. 

Because he was sure this wasn't how he pictured the end would be like, simply because he hadn't thought there would be an end to him and Nino. He never imagined that after years and years of delaying the inevitability, he and Nino would end up like this - him standing where he was while Nino was at the opposite end, unmoving, unreachable. 

"Nino, I'm done," he said, repeating it again for good measure. Nino blinked once, twice, before he seemed to have shaken himself out of daze, turning around to offer him a smile. 

"Sorry, I'm a little out of it," Nino apologized, and he swore there was an edge in Nino's voice that he was sure wasn't there before. Nino also looked a little flushed, and he could spy the little quivers of Nino's chin. 

He couldn't wait to be out of here, he thought, mouth twisting bitterly, raising his arm and wiping his sweaty brows with his sleeves. Well, then, tell him thank you and let him go on his way. 

"It's alright," he said, ducking down to haul two boxes up onto his arms, the height of those two boxes were enough to hide his face from view. "Thanks for the ride, anyway. I'm going to take these upstairs now. You can go," 

His heart was being squeezed hard and he knew that the minute he saw Nino's face again, he'll cry. So he didn't even attempt on turning back around as he started walking.

"O-Oh-chan -"

Don't, he  thought of saying, tears falling down his face as he swallowed past the lump that formed on his throat. He didn't dare look back and simply yelled, "I got this, don't worry about me," thankful that his voice didn't falter despite the quaking of his knees. 

He only glanced back when he was sure Nino's car wasn't there anymore, leaning back heavily against the nearest wall and sobbing wordlessly against the crook of his elbow.

 

 

 


	12. Pack Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was calmer now than he was minutes before, but it was hard to stay that way when he knew what these all mean. This wasn’t like those times he’d personally stuffed Ohno’s clothes into a bag for rehearsals, wasn't like those times he packed Ohno's things for a brief fishing trip because this - this was different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-telling of Pack Away, through Nino.

“I’ll take this one out, Nino,” said Ohno while he was busy (or actually pretending to be busy) clearing out Ohno’s part of the closet. It’s difficult to tell which shirt belonged to whom, because he couldn’t honestly remember which one was his or Ohno’s because they almost always wore each other’s clothes when they’re at home. 

“Just call me if you need me to help you with –“ 

“Yeah,” he hollered, grateful that he was facing the wall instead of Ohno because it was going to be so difficult explaining why his face was damp with tears. His fingers were trembling something bad ever since Ohno came by with the empty boxes, and the trembling hadn’t subsided since then. “Yeah, I’ll – I’ll call you, don’t worry,” 

Ohno didn’t answer and the hauling sounds resumed, drowning the sounds of his own muffled sobs.

 

+++

 

He was calmer now than he was minutes before, but it was hard to stay that way when he knew what these all mean. This wasn’t like those times he’d personally stuffed Ohno’s clothes into a bag for rehearsals, wasn't like those times he packed Ohno's things for a brief fishing trip because this - this was different. 

Ohno was moving out from his apartment, out of the space he’d reserved just for the older man, out of here and out of his life, forever.

 

+++

 

It was when he stuffed almost everything into the box when he stared with a sort of terrified realization that he couldn’t just pack everything away without leaving something that belonged to Ohno behind. His fingers were shaking when he started rummaging through the pile of shirts he had carefully stuffed into the box and found one that almost, almost made him bawl his eyes out yet again. 

It’s the black shirt with the letters NANCY printed at the front – the same shirt he’d bought for Ohno a week after they first slept together, and the same one he remembered seeing Ohno wore around the house more frequently than not. 

It was getting difficult to breathe, much more speak, but he had to tough it up. This was his choice so he had to be courageous enough to face the consequences of his actions. 

_“Sato –“_ he called, then quickly catching himself halfway, yelling, “Leader!” 

Sounds of footsteps, then Ohno’s head popped in through the doorway. “Yes?” 

He tried blinking the disorientation away, carefully breathed through his nose and willed his voice not to shake as he held the shirt up for Ohno to inspect. 

“Is this mine?” he asked, "I think it is, though I'm pretty sure it was you who -" 

"I'm not really sure," Ohno was quick to cut in, and if the tone of his voice wasn’t enough to shred his heart into tiny, unrecognizable pieces, then the look on Ohno’s face surely did. And then Ohno followed it with, “But it's okay, you can have it," and he knew there was no way he was going to be able to pick up the torn pieces, no way to put them back together either.

But he couldn’t let Ohno see it, he wouldn’t because he had his pride too. So instead of saying something appropriately dumb, he simply shrugged and flung the shirt aside, pretending not to care where it landed despite the urge of keeping it close to his chest. 

“Fine,” he said and went back to sorting (and pretending) those that were already inside the box. “anyway, I think it’s overused anyway. I can use it to wipe the counter and kitchen floor next time,” he said, expecting any sort of verbal reply from Ohno but he heard nothing. 

He clutched the front of his shirt and wondered how long he was going to let this go on.

 

+++

 

He really was a masochist, it was too obvious because instead of staying home and drowning the misery away with alcohol, he even volunteered to drive Ohno (and his army of boxes) back to Ohno's apartment. 

They didn't talk much but he figured that was to be expected, given the fact that neither of them knew how to start the conversation. He couldn't be bothered to start it, not when it was difficult enough to keep a straight face while driving, only marginally grateful that he thought of grabbing his sunglasses on his way out because at least, he could steal a glance at Ohno through the mirror without Ohno knowing it. 

"You can just park there," Ohno said, pointing at the spot near the gate, unfastening his seatbelt as he did so; he realized with a sort of amuse start that it was, in fact, just  the second phrase Ohno had said during the whole drive, after his ' _ _Oh, okay'__ when he said he would drive Ohno home and it surely felt like a huge slap in the face without even knowing why. 

Biting his tongue and willing himself not to crash his car into a nearby lamppost, he pulled over to where Ohno had pointed earlier and stayed still, gaze lost in the road ahead as Ohno mumbled his thanks and got out from the car.

 

+++

 

He couldn't remember how long he'd stayed like that, unblinking and still like a rock when he realized Ohno was calling him. 

"Nino, I'm done," said Ohno, and he turned just in time to find Ohno staring at him. 

"Sorry, I'm a little out of it," he huffed, biting his lower lip hard enough to stop his chin from quivering but it only made matters worse. Even his fingers are shaking against their grip on the steering wheel, tight that his knuckles are white when he looked down to stare at them. He had to take his gaze away from Ohno because if he didn't, he knew he'd cry... or worse, he might just end up begging Ohno to forgive him, to give him another chance, that he might not be able to stop himself from stepping out from the car and into Ohno's arms, throw the boxes back to the car and begged Ohno to come back with him. 

But he couldn't, and that was all there was to it. 

"It's alright," Ohno mumbled, at the same time he watched the older man ducked down to haul two boxes into his arms. They were big enough to obscure Ohno's face from view and he was pretty certain his heart was well on its way out of his chest with the way it was beating hard inside his ribcage.  "Thanks for the ride, anyway. I'm going to take these upstairs now. You can go," Ohno added with a mumble and started to walk away. 

"O-Oh-chan," Ohno's name slipped out from his traitorous mouth before he could stop it, shaking with the urge to just jump out of the car and throw himself against Ohno's back. It's so hard, keeping his shit together when every fiber of his being are screaming for him to get the fuck out and stop Ohno from leaving but his pride, as always, won't have any of it. 

So instead, he stayed there, gaze locked ahead as Ohno walked away, yelling, "I got this, don't worry about me!"

 

+++

 

He only managed to drive two blocks before he pulled over again. 

He had to, or else he'd either drive the car straight into traffic or he'd end up killing somebody. 

He turned the ignition off and let his face fall over his  waiting palm, shoulder shaking along with the rest of him. 

" - should have ask him to stop," he chastised himself, punching the steering wheel as he sobbed. "Should have begged him to - should have asked him to -" 

But he didn't. 

And now he had to live with it.

 


	13. It's the end (and nothing else)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohno told the other three about the breakup.

No one was talking even when he was done so himself, and he figured it was rather expected. 

Nino had probably planned this long ago, had only been waiting for that perfect opportunity to break his heart and had even made it a point to inform the guys beforehand about his decision to end the relationship without bothering telling him first. 

It shouldn’t come as a shock, it shouldn’t, not really, because even then, he knew how impossible it all seemed that Nino had decided to be with him. But somehow, after months of being with Nino, his fear had slowly eased and he realized he was no longer scared of waking up to find Nino gone the next morning. 

It turned out he was right all along. 

“So, yeah,” he murmured, eyeing his friends one by one and barely keeping it together when all he wanted then was to scream, throw a fit, walk away; the burst of pain wasn’t as fierce as the one he felt the minute he watched Nino’s retreating back but the sting was enough to make his eyes water. 

“I…” Aiba was the first to raise his head, the first to meet his eyes despite the awkward and heavy air hanging between them. “L-Leader, I d-don’t know what to say,” 

Jun and Sho simultaneously raised their heads and he swore there was something on their gazes that just made things worse, for his heart, for him.  

“I don’t think there’s anything else you could say that will change the way things are right now, Aiba-chan,” he said, smiling a little, however forced it might look like from the outside.   

Somehow, it made perfect sense that Nino had told their friends first because, just like always, Arashi came first, above everything else. And it was a wise move, he thought, because at least he wouldn’t have to explain the reasons why he and Nino decided to call it quits. He figured Nino got it covered, the way Nino normally would. 

He spied the ghost of something passed through Jun’s eyes, something that looked similarly like confusion and something else but it was gone when he blinked. He felt that compelling need to drop on his knees and ask his friends what he did wrong for Nino to decide this when he was sure he and Nino were doing okay together. 

He lowered his gaze and bit his tongue, breathing through his nose and blinking back his tears. It was so difficult to cover up the hurt when he could barely keep his own goddamn tears from spilling, but he figured that there was no need for his friends to know how this was slowly killing him, how this was slowly tearing him apart inside. 

Because if Nino thought he was strong enough to accept this, then that was what it would be. He’d pretend this wasn’t hurting him. He could do that, couldn’t he? 

He  bowed his head and murmured, “It’ll be okay,” he said, grateful that his voice wasn’t quivering the way the rest of him was. “Nino and I are still friends, that’s something that is never going to change, no matter what,” he said, vaguely wishing that was enough, even though it wasn’t. “please keep us in your favor,” 

He didn’t even know how it happened but the next time he blinked, he was wrapped inside Aiba’s embrace and Nino was there, staring at them, unblinking.

 


	14. Almost Over You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another re-telling of Volume 6.5 - Interlude, from Ohno's end.

“Sir, do you need us to call you a cab?” 

The man grunted something indistinct under his breath and told the person breathing down his neck to fuck off.  He would feel bad about the whole thing if not for the fact that right now, he was worried about something else entirely. Namely, someone recognizing the man who was currently face-planted against the countertop and mumbling something that distinctly sounded like his bandmate’s name. 

“But, Sir, we’re way past our closing time and you’re still –“ 

“I’ll take it from here, young man,” he said, quickly stepping forward to attend to his groaning charge and bowing apologetically to the poor bartender coaxing his charge out of his stupor. 

Which was hard, he was certain about that, because Ohno was not only a lightweight when he’s drunk, he was also extremely difficult to talk to and that trying to reason with him would be like close to impossible. 

He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose before he reached over to wrap an arm around Ohno’s waist, while his other arm he used to guide Ohno’s limp arm over his shoulders. The bartender, thankfully, realized he was having a hard time helping Ohno to his feet and had decided to step forward to help. 

“Let me help you get him outside, Sir,” said the kind man. He offered the bartender a smile and hoped against hope the bar was too dark for him to recognize that the person he was helping out of the  bar, drunk and looking pathetically miserable, was none other than Arashi’s leader himself. 

“Thank you,” he muttered and led the way.

 

 

+++

 

He remembered the first time he was invited over at Ohno’s family’s house for dinner, remembered how warmly he was welcomed by Ohno’s parents, by Ohno’s sister and her family, telling him to visit again soon. Somehow, he had wished the second time he’d be here, which was now, would be like the first time he came to visit but. 

But it was a little too late for that now, as he helped his charge wobble out of his car like an old drunkard. He could no longer remember how many times Ohno had managed to punch him in the chin as he helped Ohno out of the passenger’s seat, grunting to himself and reminding himself that this was the same man who fell asleep during briefings, the same man he spent hours and hours of his every day sorting schedules for, the same man he was tasked to take care of whenever the man himself couldn’t.

He was just not sure whether bringing his charge home from one of his drunken escapades was still included in his contract but then again, he figured there wouldn’t be any contract clauses to review if he’d lost his job because he’d allowed his charge to be photographed by some crazy ass person who would sold the same photographs to the magazines. 

“Ohno-kun, we’re here,” he announced, trying to steady himself with his drunken charge huffing things into his shoulder. “Hey, do you know where the key for the front door __– oh__ ,” he trailed, staring at the impending view of the Ohno matriarch blocking the doorway.

“Hatori-san?” 

He was honestly rendered speechless for a full minute before he realized Ohno was muttering something again, something that painfully sounded like Ninomiya-kun’s name. 

“Um,” he hummed, not knowing what to say as he struggled to keep himself and his charge from stumbling over to the door as Ohno’s mother’s gaze darted between him and her son. “G-Good evening – or rather, good morning, Ohno-san –“ he trailed when his charge whimpered brokenly into the sleeve of his shirt, and he was sure, even without seeing Ohno’s face right now, that the younger man was crying. 

His hold around Ohno’s waist tightened when he felt him gave a kind of full-body shudder as he wailed Ninomiya-kun’s name. 

The Ohno matriarch stepped forward and clutched her son by his elbow. 

“Help me get him inside, Hatori-san,” she said. He simply nodded and watched her as she stepped forward to Ohno’s other side to help him carry her son inside the house.

 

 

+++

 

They at least managed to get Ohno to the couch but not without a few minor difficulties. Somehow, despite his charge being drunk out of his mind, Ohno’s body wasn’t limp or weak or anything. He couldn’t even remember how many times Ohno had tugged him down, his face dangerously close to his charge just to tell him, “He broke up with me, Sho-kun, and I don’t know… do you know why he broke up with me? Do you know?” 

He honestly wondered if he looked even the slightest bit like Sakurai-kun. He also wondered if that was even what he should be worried about, instead of the fact that the reason his charge was acting like this was because he and Ninomiya-kun are obviously, err, having a spat or something. 

Ohno finally settled once his mother had quickly worked on him – pressing warm cloth over his face and temple and helping him out of his jacket and shirt before helping him put on a fresh one. He watched as she leaned over to whisper something into her son’s ear, hushing him, kissing his temple two more times and wiping the wetness dribbling past Ohno’s flushed cheeks. 

Half an hour after, he found himself sitting opposite her on the kotatsu, their fingers curled around two cups of steaming hot tea she brought out for them both. 

Behind him, Ohno was still crying quietly in his sleep. 

“I haven’t thanked you enough for taking care of my son, Hatori-san,” she muttered through her cup, glancing over past his shoulders to stare at her son. “I… he usually knows when to stop when he goes out to drink, but I guess this time’s –“ 

His attention snapped from his warm cup of tea, found himself staring at the knowingly sad smile gracing the corners of her mouth. 

“S-So, you knew?” he asked, only feeling slightly stupid for saying it. 

“I’m his mother, Hatori-san,” she said simply, as if that was enough to answer everything he was still a bit confused about, but he guessed that made sense. It wasn’t like Ohno-kun and Ninomiya-kun were particularly secretive about the obvious change in their relationship about year ago, afterall, the same thing about the obvious shift in their dynamics earlier this year too, but that no one actually asked them out loud about it. 

That was another clause in their contracts that he probably should have discussed with his charge but didn’t because, hell, it wasn’t his place and even if it was, there was no way he was going to do it. They could fire his sorry ass all they want but that’s the part in his charge’s life he wouldn’t dare touch. No way. 

But finding Ohno tonight at that bar (because Ohno at least found the brains to actually placed an SOS call to the last person he called that evening) kind of changed the way he viewed things. Especially with how his charge was badly taking this spat he had with his bandmate. 

“What, you don’t?” Ohno’s mother asked afterwards, her voice gravely low. 

He didn’t think lying at this point would even help so he didn’t.  He shook his head. “We didn’t ask but I guess it didn’t matter when you’re working with them and you see them everyday,” he paused here to regard her a look that he wished was anything but knowing. 

She nodded. “He told us,” she said, honestly surprising him. “He came over a week after he and Ninomiya-kun…” she paused here, shaking her head as if the memory was equally amusing as it was heartbreaking. “well, yeah. He dragged Ninomiya-kun here for an impromptu dinner, telling us how he planned on marrying Ninomiya-kun if Ninomiya-kun’s mother will approve. I’m telling you it was hilarious,”

He chuckled, couldn’t not, because the image alone was seriously amusing, funny even. The sad thing here, though, was the fact that obviously, none of those mattered anymore. Because now, it was obvious that his charge and Ninomiya-kun had called it quits. 

“But I guess they’ve –“ 

“Broken up, yes,” she said, taking the words completely out from his mouth. “He told me two nights after it happened,” she said, “He said Ninomiya-kun wanted it so he simply agreed. He said he didn’t understand most of Ninomiya-kun’s reasons but if that was what Ninomiya-kun wanted, then he wouldn’t question it,” she added, then, meeting his eyes head on, she said, “My son loved that man so much I wonder how he couldn’t see it,” 

He was honestly baffled that it took him more than a couple of minutes to respond with just a slight tilt of his head, watching her as she directed her gaze to her son sleeping fitfully on the couch. He really didn’t know what to make of this information about his charge, how wonderful it was to know that he was sharing all these things – the good and the bad – to his parents. 

“But then he said he’d do his best to get over Ninomiya-kun the same way he was expected to, and I honestly believed him. It had been a few months already afterall, but,” she followed with a sigh, “I didn’t know he is still –“ she shook her head as if she’d just thought about something and realized something else at the same time. “I guess I was wrong,” 

He took a sip from his now lukewarm tea and nodded his head, knowing full well what she was talking about. 

 

+++

 

He woke up to the feel of someone’s hand on his face, blinking the sleepiness away as his eyes focused on his mother’s face and the equally worried frown marring his mother’s forehead. 

“K-Kaa-chan?” 

She nodded, brushing the hair off his temple. Something in his chest rattles at the memory of that night before he went drinking, not even vaguely wondering how he ended up here -  Nino’s face, the obviously forced smile, the defensive stance, the hunched back – god, his chest ached at the images, realized he was clutching the front of his shirt and gasping. 

He found himself leaning further into her touch as fresh batch of emotions started surging from his chest and bubbling their way up to his throat. 

“N-Nino, he –“ he uttered, gasping for  breath and wondering why, after all these months they were apart, he had to feel this way now. He had been successful in burying these emotions then, why couldn’t he do it now? 

“Satoshi,” 

He shook his head and found himself being tugged into his mother’s embrace. “I l-love him, Kaa-chan,” he whispered, brokenly, into his mother’s neck. “I still love him so much, I still love him… why can’t he love me again, Kaa-chan? Why can’t he –“ 

“Shh,” she shushed him, felt her fingers running through his hair in that soothing way only a mother has. “Shhh, it’s going to be alright, Satoshi. It’s going to be alright, I promise,” 

He believed her, because he knew that at this point, there was no other way to dull the pain. He’d just have to hold on to his mother’s words and his mother’s embrace and hoped it would be enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	15. Beginning's End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was what happened on the day Ohno found himself back in Nino's apartment, where he found the journals.

 “You’re staying for dinner, right?” his mother inquired behind him, sneaking up to him like she always did just as he was halfway inside his old room. 

He glanced back and threw her a wink. “It’s only half-past two, ‘Kaa-chan,” he told her, albeit jokingly, then like an afterthought, “Oh, and I will but only if you’re making hotpot,” 

“It’s Tuesday,” she said, as if she was pointing the obvious. “You know we always make hotpot on Tuesdays. Sukiyaki, too,” she deadpanned.

He leaned in forward to kiss her on the cheek. “Can I stay until next Tuesday, then?” 

His mother shoved him but there was a hint of smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

“Sure, but you’d have to pay for the extra days that you’ll be staying in. The ingredients for hotpot and sukiyaki aren’t cheap, you know? Plus the extra electricity consumption, the water, too --” 

He pouted and was muttering about his mother acting like Nino all of a sudden before he could bite his tongue. He realized he’d just spouted something so embarrassingly stupid when he felt his mother’s fingers, warm and familiar, as she curled them around his wrist. 

“It’s been a year, Satoshi, don’t you think it’s high time you let that go?” she asked, her face masked with worry, as was her voice. He didn’t even need to ask her what she meant when it was obvious that his mother still knew her better than anyone else. 

He turned completely around till they’re finally face to face, smiled at her in that way that was both grateful and fond, and let himself be hugged when she reached for him, basking on the warmth of her embrace and kissing her twice on the cheek before pulling away. He didn’t say anything because he didn’t think she’d need, or would even want to hear the lies he knew he was about to say anyway. 

He was pretending enough as it is to do the same in front of his mother and honestly, he was pretty sure she could see right through his lies no matter how genuine he thought his acting was. 

“Please don’t tell ‘Tou-chan I’m here, okay? I want to surprise him; you know he’d start moaning about the real reason to my untimely visits is actually just to steal his extra servings of meat and it’s never not funny,” he told her instead, covering his words with a forced smile. 

“Satoshi –“ 

“I heard you, Kaa-chan,” he said, cutting her off. “It’s – I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, I’m not even sure why I’m…” he paused and shook his head. “Honestly, I’m okay. It’s not – just forget about what I said okay? I was not thinking and that didn’t mean anything, believe me. It’s just that, you know how stingy Nino is and what you said earlier kind of reminded me of him. I mean, it’s not like –“ 

“You’re __still__  in love with him,” his mother whispered, her voice was marred with something so obvious – her obvious pain to match that of his, coupled with just the right amount of worry that only a mother has. He knew exactly what she was feeling, of course, __of course__ , because he had to spend most of his days covering the same with faked smiles and even more faked bravado, but here, in the comforts of his parents’ home, it was too easy to let go of all the pretenses while quietly wishing his family wouldn’t notice. 

He was wrong, of course. 

“I’m __not__ ,” he said, looking down and away, avoiding her eyes as much as he could because he’s afraid he’d end up saying something he knew he would regret later the minute their gazes meet. “I swear to god –“ 

He was tugged into his mother’s arms before he could even finish, his chest felt like it was being squeezed hard. He was not sure what it was his mother saw on his face a while ago that made her say the things she said, but he’s got some idea and well, it wasn’t really that hard to figure out when he’s sure his misery was all over his stupid face. 

“Tell that to those people who doesn’t know you like I do, son,” his mother cut in, stroking his hair in a way that made him want to curl further onto her, hold onto her and never let go. “Pretending you’re okay, that you have moved on when you’re obviously not over him yet isn’t going to help either, Satoshi,” his mother breathed into his hair, and once again, he was left wondering how come his mother was able to look past through the protective wall he had carefully built around himself enough to see that trembling, aching part of him that still hadn’t healed eversince he and Nino parted ways. 

“I –“ he breathed into his mother’s neck, and shook his head, unable to say anything because like always, it was too hard for him to put his thoughts into words, then and now. “I’m fine,” he found himself whispering instead, squeezing his mother one last time before he was pulling away. 

His mother gave him a look that was obviously part-worried and equal parts-hurting, and for the life of him, he couldn’t even find it in him to feel anything other than that terrible urge to curl onto himself and cry at the same time. 

But he wouldn’t do that in front of his mother, never again after that night (or very early morning) of New Year’s Day when he came home to her, drunk and miserable, sobbing and calling Nino’s name like a lunatic. 

“Son –“ 

“I swear, Kaa-chan, I’m fine,” he cut in, offering her a smile. “It’s not – I mean, it doesn’t hurt as much as it does before so it’s alright, you see? I’m – well, I may not be over him yet but I’m getting there, I swear so you – you don’t have to worry so much about me, okay? I’m a big boy now, I can take care of this broken heart just fine,” he said, thumping his chest for effect. “I swear, a good bowl or three of your delicious cooking will do the trick,” he added, winking at her. 

It was her turn to shake her head though he could spy the ghost of wariness tugging at the corners of her mouth. She reached for him again and he let her, feeling warm and loved as she run her fingers through his hair affectionately. 

“I am __your__ mother, Satoshi,” she told him, “and it’s my job to worry over you and your sister; it’s part of the life-long contract I’ve signed along with so many other things when I married your father,” 

“Even though Nee-chan and I are no longer living under your care?” he asked, just out of curiosity’s sake. 

She hit him lightly across the back of his head. “You and your sister will always be under my care whether you are living in this house or not,” 

“Kaa-chan –“ 

“And just so you know,” she said, her voice softening, “I’ll kill anyone who would deliberately hurt you or your sister,” 

He turned his head and nuzzled his mother’s neck, the urge to cry was too strong he had to bite his tongue to stop himself; it was difficult but he managed to rein it in. 

“I know that, Kaa-chan,” he mumbled into her neck, squeezing her tight and wishing she knew how thankful he was for her, for her love that seemed to never end, thank heavens. “and thank you,” 

She patted him on the back and pulled his face down, pressing a soft kiss against his temple. 

“No need to thank me, silly,” she said, her eyes misty as she stared at him. “Just be happy and that’s enough for me not to worry, okay?” he nodded at this and pulled away, taking a step back just as she muttered, like an afterthought, 

“I wonder if Ninomiya-kun has moved to another place,” she said in that eerily quiet voice of her that made him giggle in spite of it all. 

“Eh, why?” 

His mother gave him a look as if he was crazy. “Nothing,” she said with a shrug, though the corner of her mouth was twitching. “I’m just thinking of paying him a visit,” 

“Kaa-chan!” he whined, but she simply ignored him and walked away, humming under her breath.

 

+++

 

He let his gaze wander around his old room, the familiar sight bringing equally familiar warmth settling over his already tired bones. He heaved a sigh, gaze zooming unconsciously onto the pile of boxes beside his bed, where most of the stuffs from when he was staying with Nino were still packed away. 

He moved to his new apartment two months after he and Nino broke up, leaving all these stuffs back here at his parents’ home behind. He was looking at them now and again, the same complicated twirl of emotion was sweeping him off his feet he could barely stand it, and he wondered yet again if there was ever going to be an end to it, to this pain. He knew it was entirely sensible to just burn these things or throw them away, than have him look at them only to be reminded of the fact that he and Nino were over. But he was nothing but sentimental and well, no matter how awful things had become between him and Nino, he couldn’t just throw these things out and feel good about it. He just, well, it was painful alright, but he chose to bear the pain anyway, would choose to bear it over and over again rather than throw those things that bore the many wonderful memories he had with Nino.   

But even he couldn’t deny that there were days when the pain was too intense he sometimes found himself unable to breathe because of it, that there were times when the urge to see Nino so badly was too strong he wondered how he was able to tamp it down without literally combusting because it surely felt like it. 

And that was when he started frequenting his parents’ home a few times in a week for months now to, well, touch these stuffs and reminisce like a fool because despite the pain, being around these things helped him get through the almost crippling urge to see Nino, through another day without Nino in his life. 

Though he couldn’t look at these things and feel nothing, because even now, even after so long, he could still feel that overwhelming desire to see Nino when he wanted to, to touch him like he used to, most especially now that Nino wasn’t always around. He was not sure when he started feeling it, the almost insane urge to find Nino and hold Nino’s hand every goddamn time his heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest for missing Nino so much, because he’s sure as hell it wasn’t like this during the first few months after they  broke up. 

And it was bad enough that he was nursing this awful case of nostalgia a year after he and Nino parted ways that everything he came across with always had something to remind him of when he and Nino were still together. It was useless to ignore these things especially when he's sober – the alcohol could at least numb the pain for a little while but even that wasn't enough. Because he realized that lately, even despite being drunk out of his mind, the pain of being without Nino always lingered as if the breakup just happened the day before that it was almost unbearable. 

He didn’t realize he had moved until he found himself about to reach over to open the box that was piled on the very top; it was still open, the same way he’d left it a couple of weeks before when he came here to visit.

He gave up trying to pretend he didn’t want to, pulled the loose taping aside and peeked inside, fingers shaking along with the rest of him and feeling a little stupid for acting that way every single time he was here to check his stuffs. It wasn’t like the contents of the box would change since the last time he saw them because they wouldn’t, and he knew that despite his mother’s obvious distaste about the whole affair, he was sure she wouldn’t dare touch these things he left in his old room if only to satisfy her curiosity. 

His mother respected his decision to keep quiet despite the pain he knew she also had to suffer as she watched him in silence, keeping her distance even though she knew how badly he was handling his pain, the breakup, everything, because she knew that was what he wanted. 

He grabbed the first thing he found in the box, fingers trembling despite himself, chuckling as if it’s going to be enough to overcome the painful twist in his chest that he always feel whenever he was near these stuffs. 

It didn’t. 

His hand hadn’t stopped shaking even when he pulled the thing he grabbed up to look at it closely, squinting at the clear, glass bowl and its contents as if it was the first time he saw it. 

Inside was a bunch of keys to Nino’s apartment – all three of them (for the front door, bedroom door and one he couldn’t remember, must be for Nino’s fridge) that Nino gave him a week after they officially got together. The same set of keys he should have returned the day after they broke up but had completely forgotten. 

He stared at it and that painful twist in his chest returned full force, the memory of Nino’s face the night Nino told him they were over was like an added fist to the gut as he closed his eyes and felt the painful jab a thousand times stronger this time. But then the next thing he saw behind his eyelids was Nino’s face the night they went home together, the faces Nino made the night they made love the first time ever and it was like another set of fists hitting him in the chest repeatedly. 

He was breathing harshly before he even realized it, closing his trembling fingers around the keys with his eyes still tightly shut. The images hadn’t stopped coming, hitting him all at once, and memories from the night he and Nino made love, to the weeks prior to the breakup. 

His chest felt like it was being literally tear in half as he stumbled up on his feet, his eyes stinging, blood pounding hard through his ears. He opened his eyes to find the keys inside his palm, the yellow fish pendant dangling along them as he raised it close to his face. 

__You get the yellow fish, Oh-chan, because the blue is mine,__  he remembered Nino saying the day Nino thrust those keys right into his face, remembered watching the pink staining Nino’s cheeks when Nino did so. __The biggest one is for the front door and the others you’d have to find out for yourself. Tell Aiba-chan I gave you these duplicates and I swear to god you can forget about those fabulous blowjobs you said you love because you won’t get to ask for them again, ever__ , Nino had followed, face flushed and so adorably cute he wasn’t able to stop himself from kissing Nino right then and there. 

He closed his eyes again as the pain started doubling on its own, wondering not for the first time whose fault it was that they fell apart. Even now, he was fairly sure he didn’t want them to end, not when they had bravely went for it after so long of suppressing their feelings for one another. He knew it was silly of him to have those thoughts ever since they became official, of wanting to spend the rest of his days with Nino because Nino obviously had other ideas, but still, it was hard not to. He loved Nino so much, afterall, and it was probably given to want to spend his whole life loving the younger man since he’d been given the right to. 

At least until Nino told him they were over, and that he was no longer allowed to wish for forever while thinking about Nino at the same time, too. 

Still, it wasn’t enough to keep his heart from loving Nino, for it to keep beating for Nino and Nino alone. Today’s one of those days again, he realized, but with the intense, almost unbearable way his heart was pounding away in his chest, he knew this wasn’t going to go away with just the mere sight of the stuffs he owned when he and Nino were still together. 

He had to see Nino, or at least touch something that belonged to Nino or else he’d go insane. 

And the only way to do that was to go to Nino’s place. 

“K-Kazu –“ was the last thing he remembered muttering before he’s out the door.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This part is what exactly happened in Volume 7 - Regrets, when Ohno flipped the page and found a photo of himself, with words scrawled at the bottom that said, FIRST NIGHT TOGETHER.


End file.
